Sandra came back unexpectedly from the funeral house after realizing she had forgotten her BP medication; she knew the stress of mourning her sister was too much that she could not afford skipping a day without her BP meds. She asked one of her church members to drive her back home so she could pick up her meds, the time was 22:30 when she walked into her bedroom. Her husband was half dressed and clearly on top of someone. She stood there in shock as she watched him do the dreadful deed on her marital bed. Her jaw almost dropped when her husband turned around and to her horror, it was her 5-year-old daughter he was on top of.
She could not remember much when she woke up in hospital, three days later and now had to undergo physiotherapy sessions because she had lost the use of her left side. Sandra’s husband in the three days when his wife was hospitalized, quickly bought a tractor for his in-laws and restocked some cattle and goats at the farm. When her memory started coming back, she gave a horrific scream so much that she awoke all the patients in the hospital, it was a kind of scream you hear in a horror movie. How could the man she called babe, do that to his own princess?
Looking at her mother besides her, she cried even more and demanded she wanted to see her daughter whom they brought first thing in the morning. Due to the stroke, she could hardly write or find the words to explain to the doctors or her mum what brought about her illness. Sandra decided she was going to get better for the sake of her kids and in no time, she had regained her speech and was making progress in physiotherapy.
When she got better, she informed her mother of what led to her stroke that dreadful night and surprisingly, her mother didn’t seem angry or moved with the news. Weeks later, a meeting was called where her own family advised her to forgive the husband and blamed her for choosing to sleep at a funeral knowing her husband needed her at home. Everything happening was making her feel drowsy, she felt she was losing her mind. Her husband also apologized and offered her key to her dream car and holiday tickets to Dubai. She didn’t want to be a part of this and she felt disgusted every time she looked at her husband. She started sneaking out of her marital bedroom to join her daughter in the night. All this didn’t bother her husband but she knew, life would just never be the same. She lost her aura; she was no longer a vibrant woman who enjoyed playing with her kids. She was now a reserved person, keeping to herself and blamed God for allowing the evil deed to happen to her innocent daughter. She constantly felt like committing suicide together with her child but some voice inside of her told her that suicide was not a solution.
Sandra’s story and many other such stories are happening in our society. Fathers are sodomizing and raping their own children, brothers or uncles are sexually abusing children. Others do it for rituals to get promotions at work or for their businesses to thrive. Others simply for the fun of it and no matter the reasons, they are all perverts.
90% of childhood sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone the child knows. Children often do not report sexual abuse due to fear or shame and sometimes because they do not realise until adulthood that they were victims of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can be physical or non-physical. Common examples are rape, sodomy or oral sex, insertion of fingers or objects, fondling or inappropriate touching, being asked to expose or watch another expose themselves, being asked to masturbate or watch another masturbate, being photographed or recorded or being shown pornographic materials. Child sexual abuse can happen to anyone regardless of their religion, race or gender.
Child sexual abuse and molestation is linked to serious metal health issues and these can begin shortly after the abuse or may not appear until many years later. The delay in the mental health issues related to sexual abuse is usually because the child or victim might not have fully understood what was happening to them.
Child sexual abuse has a serious impact on the physical and mental health of the survivor. Those who have suffered this develop long lasting effects and post-traumatic stress disorder, depression and anxiety. Their ability to trust is affected and while the long-term effects differ from person to person, most experience difficult emotions as they easily become irritable and have mood swings with thoughts of suicide. They tend to struggle with having healthy relationships because as children they were let down and betrayed by people they loved and trusted. They struggle with feelings of guilt and shame as the abuser may have tried to blame them for the abuse. More especially if family members learnt of the abuse but did not do anything about it. They experience feelings of powerlessness – finding it hard to say no or be assertive when it comes to the needs. They experience sexual difficulties when it comes to intimacy and are more likely to engage in sexual risk behaviour themselves by sleeping with any man to feel adequate and most end up in prostitution. Anxiety attacks are frequent as survivors tend to experience hypervigilance which is a state of feeling constantly on guard and looking out for potential threats. Nightmares and flashbacks are powerful memories of what happened which feel very real and can be very distressing. These memories are relived through nightmares and dreams. Some memories come back in adult life after being buried and in trying to cope, survivors can turn to alcohol or substance abuse to forget the dreadful events.
With a combination of medical intervention and therapy, a survivor can find relief from the harsh consequences of childhood sexual abuse.
My appeal to families is to stop sweeping the dirt under the carpet when there is a case of sexual abuse. Report to the Police such cases and not bury the matter especially if the person involved is a breadwinner. Do not wait for family meetings before you can report the doers of such evils, whether it’s your spouse, sibling, uncle, auntie or grandfather, protect the children by reporting sexual abuse. No amount of money is good enough to buy your silence.
Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!
About the author
Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.
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