Dear Aka Monde,
My name is Thomas, I read your last article and as a 50-year-old family man, it gave me the courage to share my childhood experience. When I was just a few months old, my mum fell pregnant and as tradition would have it, she had to stop breastfeeding me and so I was taken to a different town to be looked after by an aunt. It took years for me to get to know my real mum and be reunited with her. I have always had a low esteem when it comes to my masculinity and always wondered why. I felt I was never man enough and even in university, I avoided going to the bathroom when the guys were there, I never felt comfortable showing my nakedness. Even as a married man, I have never felt good enough for my wife, I have always felt I was missing something as a man.
Reading your article reminded me of how I would have nightmares of me as a young boy of a woman coming on to me. The dream would be unclear but always left me scared. A few years ago, I had clear visions of what used to happen to me as a young boy. One of the ladies I used to share the room with at my aunties place, used to get my penis and try to push it into herself. I didn’t understand why, and I cannot remember whether I enjoyed it or not. This was a lady who made sure I got the best piece of meat and showered me with sweets and fruit. It’s true that memories can be suppressed till later in life because my memories are so vivid now of what my aunt used to do to me. I sometimes wonder whether she’s still alive or not or what I would do or say if I met her face to face. I have never shared this story with my family but it’s such a relief to take it off my chest. I trust you will exercise confidentiality.
Dear Aka Monde,
Please keep me anonymous. Am a lady aged 45 and married with 5 children. I read your article and it reminded me of the time my elder sister sexually molested me as a young girl. I must have been in grade one and my elder sister who was the first born in a family of nine used to come home from boarding school and I would sleep with her. She used to touch my private parts and ask me to pee on her. I don’t understand why I never reported this act but after a few years, she stopped this tendency and I think it was only because we had other dependents in the house and we now started sharing the bedroom. I am now paranoid with my own kids, no one shares beds and I wake up in the middle of the night to check on my kids.
Dear Aka Monde
Am a student at one of the universities in Lusaka in my second year. After coming across your article, I thought of sharing something that has been bothering me. Am traumatized by the military uniform. I was in grade eight when an unfortunate incident happened to me. I boarded a bus from Munali to Avondale. I sat in the back seat next to a military man and we were really squeezed. Somehow, he folded his arms, and I could feel his hand fondling my breasts, at first I thought it was my imagination but then I looked at him and he gave me a wicked smile and started asking me what grade I was in and my options at school. I answered his questions and tried to move away from him but he was also moving closer to me. I prayed for someone to get off the bus so I could change seats, but no one was giving me that chance. I didn’t know what to do as I kept trying to move away but I had reached the end of the bus and there was no place to move to. To date, I fear men in uniform, I feel so disgusted when I remember what happened to me on that Chelstone route. I was only saved when I got off at my stop and he remained on the bus. That night, I remember my mum spent a night in my room because I kept on screaming from nightmares of that man touching and raping me. I don’t understand why I never shared this horrific incident, I guess I felt embarrassed. To date, I blame myself for not telling the people on the bus to come to my rescue. I still get nightmares of that incident and I now have a phobia for small buses and military uniform.
Please note that all emails received are treated with the highest level of confidentiality.
Mr. Thomas, Ms. Anonymous and my dearest lady student, thank you for getting in touch and believe you me, sharing your stories is a first step in the right direction of healing. To the young lady, don’t blame yourself, you were not in the wrong, that military man took advantage of you and he was just a pervert. Professional counselling will surely help.
Last week’s appeal to families still stands, “let us stop sweeping dirt under the carpet when there is a case of sexual abuse. Report such cases to the Police and do not bury the matter even if the person involved is a breadwinner. No amount of money is good enough to buy your silence”.
Seek help when in need, talk to a counsellor near you!
About the author
Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.
Email; [email protected]
