I NEVER imagined in my life that one day I would be congratulating a murderer for good behaviour, but Mr Mathew Mohan deserves a medal.

If we can’t afford to buy Mr Mohan an award because the country doesn’t have money, then at least tell Attorney General Mr Likando Kalaluka to take some more pizza for our most transformed inmate.

Fellow voters, the story I read yesterday made me realise that Mr Mohan is in Mukobeko Maximum Prison pending his timely death, not because he can’t get out, but out of respect for whoever the hell has a bone to chew with him.

Let me explain. Do you recognise this tough guy in the picture? Exactly, Percy Chato. The commander of the prisons service and custodian of all criminals, drug dealers, and murderers inclusive.

To be frank, forget ZAF, Army or ZNS, this is the guy to fear because he is in charge of hell on earth.

That is why I don’t understand how this happened at his house:

Percy CHATO: “In August 2007, God blessed me to go for a peace-keeping mission in South Sudan where I worked for one year, six months. Then I started hearing rumours that my wife was going out with one of the senior officers in the Zambia Prisons Service. But I ask that I should not mention his names since I still serve in the Zambia Prisons Service.”

Mr Chato, this guy did not only enter your house, he entered your bedroom and stole your wife, and you want to sit here and tell us you can’t mention his name? Damn it, don’t just name him, fire his naughty black behind too, unless you are happy with other men sentencing your wife. Anyway, tell us how this happened.

CHATO: “While I was sleeping in a tent in South Sudan to make money for her and my children, my wife here was enjoying sleeping with other men. On top of that, it’s not only this senior prison officer but many others were enjoying my wife.”

You see now, while you were keeping peace in South Sudan, your officer whom you entrusted with providing security for the prisons was instead keeping vigil on your bedroom’s south Sudan. And you still don’t want us to know who this guy is?

Didn’t you learn in military training that you never leave an enemy behind? Don’t you understand that if you protect your wife’s lovers you are encouraging them?

CHATO: “In fact, while I was still in South Sudan, this woman, this behaviour of partying, she drove from here to Livingstone to go and party with one of the drivers at Zambia Prisons and my wife knows that driver.”

Oh please! Cut me some slack Mr Chato, you mean even a driver had access to your bedroom and managed to break out with your wife? Are you hearing that Mr Mohan? Isn’t this man a recipe for a clean prison break? That’s why I am saying can someone please give Mr Mohan an award for staying in when he can leave any time he wants, and even pass through Mr Chato’s south Sudan on his way out.

Anyway, so how did you resolve that problem Mr Chato?

CHATO: “In 2013 I met this woman Christabel Namwange Mwale Samanga. She was my spare tyre, that is where I could go to cry on…up to now, my heart still bleeds.”

Spare tyre? Really? Then tell me Mr selfish man, why are you angry with your wife for having three spare tyres?

That’s it for today