Dear Aka-Monde

Now am in a dilemma, do I go ahead and marry this man or what. Was I just lucky to not be infected or what? The pastor didn’t ask for our results but asked if we had done the test and we said yes. After the first test, we went back after 3 months and still am negative. I know it’s eating up my Aubrey and to be honest am not too sure I want to go on with the marriage. In short, am scared. I love him so much but what if I get infected along the way. Maybe I have the virus and it’s just hiding in my body. It’s so stressful am beginning to lose weight and my fiancé is not doing too well either. What should I do? I can’t open up to my family and I haven’t even told my best friend. Keep me anonymous, please!!!!

Dear Ms. Anonymous,
This weather should have been a time for you to pamper your skin warm in readiness for a December bride glow. But as life happens, you have to face it on. Several complex issues still exist with regards to HIV infections. Some people though having repeated unprotected sexual intercourse with infected partners do not get infected with the virus and this is what is known as discordance. Some people may be inherently resistant to the infection as scientists suggest.

Two people who are HIV positive and negative can marry each other, have health children and lead normal lives. It’s actually good that the both of you went for testing together and I assume you received proper counselling as a couple and that a range of prevention, treatment and support options were discussed. In addition to correct and consistent use of condoms, your counsellor may suggest your partner starts taking antiretroviral drugs (ARVs). There are so many couples out there who are discordant, leading normal lives and are having children. Discordant coupes are those where one partner is HIV infected and the other is not. You can choose the source of strength for your partner and soon to be husband. Assist him to stick to a healthy diet and adhere to his medication.

It’s challenging to accept a partner’s positive status as you may have a lot of unanswered questions as to how he acquired it and whether you are next but seeing you have been together for so long and having unprotected sex, you are falling in the category of discordant couples. Let love be the reason for your staying together and marrying, as HIV is not a death sentence. It’s understandable for you to have the fear of transmission, coping with the uncertainty of potential illness, shifts in emotional intimacy. Reproductive health has improved as there is minimal risk of passing on the virus to the unborn child if the mother is positive. There is now an option of PrEP which a negative partner can take to prevent infection. Coping strategies can be discussed with your doctor or counsellor and if you truly love your fiancee, a positive HIV result should not be the reason for your breakup, but this can only be a decision you can make. And if you feel you are not ready to share this news with your best friend or family, then do not share it, besides, how would Mr. Aubrey feel, knowing you shared his results with your family and friends? Thank you for reaching out!

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]