Dear Aka-Monde,

With this trend of people getting exposed with leaked nude videos, am worried. My husband works out of town and only comes once at the month end. During periods of us paying school fees, he doesn’t come at all. My challenge is the past five years that he has been in another province, we normally have sex on phone, I send him intimate videos and he does the same. At first I was against but he insisted that this would stop him from cheating. It took a while for me to accept and this is how we have been surviving the past five years.

Now this this trend of leaked videos and the like, I fear the embarrassment that can befall our family if ever our videos leaked. I can’t imagine what the church would say as we both hold positions in church. I have since spoken to him about my fears but he still insists it the best way for him as a man not to cheat.

What should I do because am now more uncomfortable than ever. And am even embarrassed to say but he takes videos when he is around and claims they help on days when we can’t do on phone.

Mrs. K.

Dear Mrs. K,

There are psychological reasons why people love to record themselves having sex. One is self-eroticism, narcissism, and voyeurism. Self-eroticism is when you get turned on by watching yourself have sex. Watching themselves over again in that same position can cause them to feel aroused. This self-eroticism is linked with narcissism, which is an excess love for oneself and wanting to see yourself idealised in a sexual position.

Some people are voyeurs, they derive pleasure from watching other people have sex.

The question you need to answer is, do you want to have a sex tape out in the public? And God forbid but in the event of a breakup, would he still care, protect and hide your videos? Or what would happen if he lost the gadget that has your videos?

Some people film themselves having sex with their partner because it’s fun to them. We live in an era where we capture a lot of things on phone, birthdays, funerals and capture the dead in their caskets, so why not the sexual act, after all it’s with a spouse so it’s just a sexual selfie. Different people make sex tapes for different reasons, some people will strictly watch them on their own while others will share with friends but whatever the reason for making them, it’s a taboo in our society to be seen making out. Having and owing your own sex tape makes one feel deviant and naughty and perhaps this feeling to others is so overwhelming that they can risk turning on a camera in the act. To partners who consent to being recorded in the act, it’s a means of enhancing a relationship and wanting to be accepted and the fear of not conforming. It is also a means of connecting with a partner by giving in to what a lover wants.

Agreeing to a sex tape recording, one must be ready to face the consequences, what happens after a bad breakup? Or simply what happens if the video is out there for all to view for whatever reason?

Psychology tells that there are certain personality traits that require an individual to record their sexual adventures and these traits are a lack of empathy, a disregard for intimacy, strong self-obsession and a need to reinforce one’s masculinity. These traits can be found in anyone no-matter the position held in society and hence the reason we find someone with a position in church, a government official, a celebrity or a chibombe-bombe can go ahead and have a sex tape out there as long as they have traits of lack of empathy, disregard for intimacy and are self-obsessed and constantly feel the need to reinforce their masculinity and this behaviour borders on sociopathic, which is a mental disorder that disregards other people with a lack of remorse and do not regret their behaviour.

The pleasure derived from watching oneself could be immensely rewarding and make someone feel powerful and in a way stealing someone’s privacy and the feeling of being powerful can be like a heavy drug to let go and others derive pleasure from feeling powerful.

For some people, they have just always wondered how they look like when having sex and technology provides that opportunity of just positioning a smart phone conveniently. You need to remember that being pressured into filming your sex life by a partner should be treated as a red sign. Someone who loves you must respect your feelings and decisions. They should not force or pressure you into something that leaves you stressing all the time. If your opinion is not respected, do they really care for you?

What can prevent someone from falling into the trap of sex tapes production is retraining oneself. Respecting oneself, respecting your spouse and respecting society. Do not allow others to deceive you that agreeing to being filmed means you are showing love. Everyone falls under temptation sometimes to prove their dedication and commitment to a relationship but why should it be one sided, why won’t the partner demanding a nude be the one to compromise and accept that you feel uncomfortable being recorded for fear of embarrassment if it ever leaked and the fear of arrest as it is illegal in our country? Think of the family members and friends whom you will embarrass when this comes to light as your video is circulated out there. Your partner might not mind and say everyone does it but really, imagine your children and relatives having to carry your shame because they associate with you.

Exercise self-care by understanding what is important in life, learn how to feel whole again when we are anxious, depressed or feeling low. Sex must not be the only thing to uplift our mood. Dancing, taking family photographs, nature walks, listening to music, watching good movies, meditation, drinking tea, baking or playing soccer or exercising can make us feel revamped.

And should you find that a sexual partner recorded you without consent, you can report to the police.

Is it really love if we have to be anxiously nervous whenever someone’s scandal involving nudes is out there and we keep wondering if we are next?

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]