IT’S very important, dear women, that you come up with some strategies to keep the man of the house close to you every time, especially at night during this AFCON season. Unfortunately most men want to watch football at night. Some men, especially those from Chipata, have become so obsessed with the game that they have started to even neglect some ‘small’ but important things in their relationships. Ticklish sensation things, you know. So ladies, you are lucky to have me here to give you some tips on how to keep your man where he belongs – the bedroom.

It’s simple, men are the easiest creatures that a woman can trap. If, instead of being with you kuchipinda, the man hangs at the living room up to 20:00hrs waiting to watch young Patson Daka score another goal for his team, or he wants to see who qualifies for the 2021 AFCON quarter finals, you have every reason to report him to your pastor that he’s not giving you the attention you deserve. So when you see him dillydally, stealing glances at the wall clock, do the needful: perfume yourself, dress seductively and go quickly and sit in his favorite sofa and as he comes, tell him to take the reclining chair and ask him to put his feet on your laps. He’s your husband, anywhere. Now start massaging his toes, but make sure the TV is behind him. Keep the bedroom door open, with the bed visible from where you are.

Assure him that when the game starts you’ll surely tell him so. He’ll trust you; after all you have never failed him in the past. Continue to massage him, slowly. While massaging him, recite him Song of Songs from the Bible. If Song of Songs does not lure him because he doesn’t attend Bible studies at church, (as most men do), then try a lullaby. A lullaby is that meaningless jingle mothers sing to send their babies to sleep. Remember what I said, you’re massaging him and singing this lullaby. Trust me, the jingle maybe meaningless but it’s doing the magic. Men still carry the baby spirit in themselves – even in adulthood. It’s now 20:30hrs and the game is about to start, but mute the damn TV!

Who invented the TV? You don’t need to know because now you’re up to his knees and he’s started to look drowsy. Remind him of the first day you met and the night of your honeymoon. He might nod or mutter like, ‘umm.’ This means you’re doing a good job. Continue past the knees and remind him that just over three decades ago not many people had televisions. They just used to listen to Dennis Liwewe do running commentary on ITT radios. In fact, if he were alive today he would have given Patson Daka one of his granddaughters to marry. He was so crazy about Zambian soccer. I mean, Dennis Liwewe.

If you are following my instructions you are now above his knees and he’s probably pretty drowsy like a baby. Men fall dead in women’s laps. Remember Samson?

Now rise up. He’ll rise up too. Start walking to the bedroom. He’ll follow you. Remember your massaging has hypnotized the dude and now he’s like a zombie. He’s following you in the bedroom. Close the door behind and drop him in the bed. Switch of the light. Thank you, job well done.

Need I say more?

Next: How to make your husband stop watching football (at weekends)

Now the problems comes at weekends. After a stressful five days at the office or knocking off at 18.00hrs every day from maintenance workshops, most men would want to spend Saturday afternoons watching football or working out at the gym. But the problem is, they usually overstay and come home after 22.00 hrs. And this problem is twofold: If their favorite team wins, they’ll be overjoyed and forget about their spouse the other side of the bed. Still if they lose they huff and vent their frustration on the wife sleeping beside them, separated by a very thin bed sheet. So you see that this football madness can work like an expletive to some couples.

Therefore dear ladies, you need to have some strategies. Here are some from me: Learn to use hand tools like hammer, pliers, screwdriver etc. When you see that your man wants to go away and you need him; unless you don’t need him; but which woman doesn’t need a man for the weekend? By the way, if you don’t need him, others will be happy to have him. Don’t say I didn’t tell you. So go to the car and, using the pliers or screwdriver, tamper with the ignition system of the vehicle. It’s simple. Under the steering wheel is a plastic bracket or cover that hides cables that feed into the ignition switch. Unscrew it. Find one cable and unplug it. This means the car has been immobilized, and the man cannot go away. He’s yours for the weekend.

The other alternative is, again, to meddle with the locking mechanism of the main door of the house. Here again the pliers, the screwdriver or hammer comes in handy. Damage the locks temporarily. No doubt the man will rant and sulk, but sometimes the end justifies the means. Know what, prostitutes do everything to keep a man even for a few hours of stolen pleasure, why can’t you?

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