WITHOUT pre-emptying Uncle Bob Bashi Nono Sichinga’s advise to Christopher Mvunga, I would like to assure the finance minister of one thing: Sir, you are screwed!

Christopher MVUNGA: “The truth of the story is that I was not in a position to see any journalist. What I said to the police is that I am not allowing her entry to my house, if she wants to force herself, you should arrest her. So there is nothing untold.”

Oh no! Mr Honourable, there is a lot untold about your story because, firstly, you lied to us that you ordered the arrest of Radio Phoenix journalist Priscilla Chipulu because you were not ready to give her an interview, when in fact you have been enter-viewing her all along in your house.

I think the truth of the story is that you fell in love with Chipulu’s nice byline when you first saw it in Solwezi, and you offered her an oral enter-view, but now the scoop you gave her is haunting you.

There are hundred reasons why you have been busted, Mr Honourable, but I only have space for five.

MVUNGA: “You know where I met this lady, I met this lady in May, we went to North Western Province and she was part of my delegation of journalists, that is when I saw her. (Wait, I don’t get it. What happened in North Western Province? You met her or you mate her once?)

MVUNGA: If you want to interview me, make an appointment with my secretary, I have no issue with that. I told her that I do not entertain single women at my house.” (Okay, so those married women you entertain at your slaughterhouse, do their husbands know?)

MVUNGA: “Why do you want to interview me at my house? I have my right to privacy. Imagine if I had allowed her and people found us.” (If people found you doing what? Invading each other’s privacy? Well, people have found out anyway and the point remains – you are screwed!)

MVUNGA: “She said I had some classified document at my house. Why should I keep classified documents at my house?” (I don’t know sir, maybe because you want to be the hottest source of news and satisfaction).

MVUNGA: “I do not even know where she stays. Apparently, there is an insinuation that I go to her house.” (No, that’s not the insinuation, the insinuation that is there is that when your wife hears this, she will kick your your honourable brown behind).

That’s it for today