Congratulations madam Bernadette Deka for winning the Al Jazeera mediocrity contest. Just like natural intelligence, dullness can also be a virtue when you are showcasing a nation that prides in insanity – so we thank you for not letting us down.

There are many dull leaders in my President’s government and some of them don’t even know why Hakainde Hichilema was charged with treason, but you Bernadette Deka are our national heroine for showing your face to the world.

In fact whenever they are feeding us nonsense, most of our dull government leaders lower their voices, like a man attempting to buy condoms in a shop, but you Bernadette Deka were loud and clear.

In case you think I am accusing Deka of having beauty without brains, well I am not the only one.

Take a listen:

Al Jazeera Femi Oke: “The motorcade stand-off was chaotic, but now it has turned into treason. What does that say about Zambia’s democracy?”

Bernadette DEKA: “I think let me say something about that. Let me really say something about that. I think we are talking about Zambia, we are all Zambians and I think there is a sense of patriotism within ourselves. I think that’s a falsehood to actually bring out to the world that the government is overwhelmed by aah… aah… by an opposition leader who is aah… who actually lost an election. I think us as Policy Monitoring and Research Centre have been following up policies, the government’s efforts are concerted and concentrated on pushing the national agenda for the next five years which is the Seventh National Development Plan…I talked about the autonomy of institutions deliberately. So is government or the presidency police, is government or the presidency auditor general, is… is… is government or the presidency aah…aah for example, Anti Corruption Commission or these other entities including the judiciary, that’s where we need to separate powers…”

Listen to more:

A friend sent me a message saying until he watched Deka on live TV; he used to think Mumbi Phiri was dull. My friend even wished Tilyenji Mwanza was available to salvage the once mighty Wynter Kabimba’s Patriotic Front from the hall of shame. But I think he was missing the point. The point is that the PF has no point to point at.

Thanks to the PMRC Executive Director, the world now understands why citizens are refusing to recognise their leaders in Zambia. And by the way, if you work at PMRC and you went to congratulate your boss in her office for a job well done; you my brother and sister are going to hell.

Now let’s not be greedy with our compliments by heaping all the praise on Deka as if she had the total monopoly of reverse wisdom on the show; I think Mr Amos Chanda did well as a runner up.

AMOS Chanda: “Before I became press secretary in State House, I was an ordinary editor. There was no policeman at my house. I didn’t see a thief coming to attack me just because there was no police officer at home. So if there was no policeman on that road, that was not a reason for anyone whether it was Hakainde or any other person to try and endanger the life of the President.”

Since Mr Chanda told Al Jazeera that there is freedom of speech in Zambia and that there is no journalist being sent to prison for expressing themselves; I will ask just one question. Do you understand how dull I would have to be as president to hire that policeman-example wisdom above, for my benefit at State House?

And before I forget ba UPND, this kind of disorganization where the entire party and legal team can leave such a brilliant opportunity to make a global appeal for intervention in the hands of a novice like Brian Mwiinga, is what will keep Mr Hichilema lining up for beans in prison a little while longer. Mr Chanda was claiming the police operate independently in Zambia but the audio of his instructions for police to be harsh on UPND is still in circulation – Mwiinga couldn’t panctuate the mediocrity contest with this reminder. Shame!

As for you madam Laura Miti, I am sure you saw for yourself that you were as useful on the programme as a fork in a sugar bowl. While you were there asking the PF to focus on work and stop bickering over the 2021 presidency, Bernadette Deka was asking the world “does anyone have a small pin charger?”