Mr. P.C., was finding it hard to explain to his doctor what his worries were, that made his BP not to go down. His wife at home had a gut feeling something was not okay. P.C was not his usual self; he was no longer going out with friends but was drowning himself in alcohol at home. Mrs. P. C., tried all manner of tactics taught by the family life group at church and those by her bana chimbusa to get her husband to open up about what was bothering him but to no avail. She even went further to speak to a colleague from his work place in case he was facing some disciplinary action.
Mr. P.C.’s worries were streaming from the fact that his side chick, a girl in her late teens whom he had moved from campus and was renting a flat for, had a tendency of recording their escapades which were usually wild. His fear was that it was raining leakages of sex tapes in the country and he was unable to contact his girlfriend who had travelled to a rural part of Zambia that had poor network coverage to visit her sick grandmother. All he needed was to grab the phone from his girlfriend, delete the videos and question her if she has ever shared with any of her friends. His girlfriend had only been gone for three days but it felt like a month and she was going to be out for seven days as she was on midterm break.
With everything going on right now, parents with teenagers in universities or colleges cannot help but worry to say; what if it were my child blowing up on social media for the wrong reasons. Some women worry by having unnecessary pressure especially if their spouse had once hinted on wanting a little more spice which they felt their religion or culture could not condone. Some men worry over how long their engines can remain running when diagnosed with ailments that affect libido. Some people worry about what society will say when they downgrade their vehicles to what they can afford after losing high paying jobs and others worry if they will ever find their soul mates or experience true love and others worry, they will die as virgins. Sometimes we spend energies worrying about things we cannot control.
Worry is a form of repetitive thinking about potential negative outcomes and it involves a lot of “What if” questions. And a lot of times, the things we worry about are beyond our control. Whatever it is we worry about, be it the future or personal circumstances such as what to wear to a state function, what to prepare and serve in-laws visiting you for the first time, passing examinations, our weight, health, relationships or money, uncontrollable worries can feel overwhelming.
When does worrying become a problem? It is when worries start controlling our actions and feelings, making it hard for us to function normally. While it is normal to think about the future, it is important to distinguish between normal worries (a natural response) and excessive worry (a hindrance).
It is also essential to realise that we cannot control everything we worry about. Recognising the uncertainty of life marks the first step toward freedom from worry.
We must accept that some parts of life are beyond our power to change, no matter how much we may wish otherwise. Focusing your energy on controllable worries empowers you to feel in control over some aspects of life and directs your energy where it counts. This reduces feelings of helplessness or uncertainty, releasing you from trying to manipulate the uncontrollable.
Furthermore, develop a habit of practicing gratitude for what is within your control. Take time each day to appreciate your strengths, accomplishments, and the positive aspects of your life.
It may be helpful to break down your worrisome situation into smaller, more manageable components, which can help you gain a more realistic perspective on the issue and your ability to cope with it. This problem-solving activity can help shift your focus away from repetitive worries and towards more productive thoughts and actions.
Setting aside a few minutes, preferably at the same time each day (e.g., after lunch or early evening), to reflect on your worries is advisable for those who are constantly worrying. Create a “Worry Diary” for these sessions using a notebook or digital app to write down your concerns, thoughts, and feelings and identify recurring patterns. This awareness empowers you to develop preventive strategies or seek additional support.
Alternatively, if you do not wish to keep a record of your worries, write them on paper and then eventually tear it up. The act of destroying the worry can be a strategy of ‘letting go.’
Throughout the day, whenever a worry pops into your head, try not to let it preoccupy your thoughts. Briefly note the essence of the concern on your phone or on paper, and then revisit it during worry time. Include the situation that triggered the worry. Once the allotted time is up, close your Worry Diary and move on, reminding yourself that you have addressed your worries for now.
Worry is really unavoidable; it is not helpful to try to eliminate all worries because we need a certain level of worry to keep us motivated. For example, you may use a manageable amount of worry to help propel you to finish a work assignment or school assignment seeing the due date is nearing. The goal is not to eliminate the worry or stress but be comfortable and confident to face it in a healthy way and not turn to alcohol or other unhealthy habits. Ignoring our worries and suppressing our emotions only intensifies them in the long run.
Allow yourself to feel the worry fully without resistance and this does not mean dwelling on it, but rather acknowledging the presence of these feelings without judgment. When worry strikes, take a deep breath and remember that whatever feeling it gives you, a fast-beating heart, butterflies in your tummy, all these will disappear over time. Recognizing worry as a temporary experience takes away its power.
Different thoughts come into our minds all the time and we don’t pay special attention to them but others draw our attention. We should allow these thoughts to cross our minds and not allow them to stay. One can be attending a funeral of someone who has left behind small children and you can begin to worry about your own children being orphaned especially if you were recently diagnosed with a life-threatening ailment.
By reflecting on past experiences where you successfully managed unexpected events, identify the skills, strengths, and coping mechanisms you used to overcome those challenges. This may sound funny but my phobia of injections is overcome by whispering to myself whenever am at a clinic, “I gave birth to 4 kids naturally, this cant be more painful than that.” Recognize your strengths as valuable tools you can rely on.
As you encounter new uncertainties, remind yourself of your past successes and gain confidence from the knowledge that you can cope with whatever life throws your way. When worry arises, challenge the automatic negative narrative. Instead of thinking “I can’t handle this,” reframe it as “this might be difficult, but I have overcome challenges before, and I have the skills to navigate this too.”
Instead of fearing the unknown, practice accepting that life is unpredictable and develop a level of comfort with the unknown.
While it is natural to acknowledge potential challenges, refrain from dwelling on worst-case scenarios and mentally rehearsing all the ways things could go wrong. Future-casting, which means envisioning what you want the outcome of an uncertain situation to be in a constructive manner is ideal. Channel your energy into strategizing to increase the likelihood of achieving this positive outcome by focusing on progress rather than perfection.
Our minds love to dwell on negative hypothetical “what-ifs.” Shift your perspective by reframing “what-if” scenarios with empowering “what-then” plans. When a worry arises, ask yourself questions like, “What is the root cause of this worry?” or “What can I learn from this situation?” as this helps you gain a deeper understanding of your worries.
Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, our body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Everyday, look for sources of amusement that you can rely on, whether it is watching a funny movie, a feel good movie, or reading a humorous book. In addition, surround yourself with people who make you laugh and happy.
It’s important to strike a balance between using humour to manage worries and addressing genuine emotions. Avoid using humour to mask or suppress feelings, as this can lead to unresolved emotional issues. While humour is a great coping tool, it should be used in moderation alongside other techniques like, problem-solving and seeking help from trusted friends, family, or mental health professionals when necessary.
If you need a break from your worries, try giving yourself some time in nature which is therapeutic. While the worry will probably still exist afterwards, it will provide a much-needed break from feeling stuck in worrisome thoughts.
Shift your focus from your own worries to the well-being of others by lending a helping hand to those in need. Volunteering has a positive effect on mental health. Identify individuals or organizations in your community that could benefit from your assistance, this could be at an orphanage, your local church, the Police, clinic or offering support to friends, your former school or family members who might be facing challenges.
Seek help when in need, visit a Counsellor near you.
Any names or resemblance to actual persons in this article is purely coincidental.
About the author
Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.
Email: [email protected]
